Why "Naming" Your Feelings Actually Calms You Down
- Lorien Frank
- Jun 16
- 3 min read
The other day, my daughter said something that stopped me in my tracks: "I'm jealous that you're spending so much time with Grandpa."
As I heard the words, my stomach untangled. Suddenly, I understood what had been going on for her over the last few days. The grumpiness, the shrugs, the one-word answers—it wasn't rudeness. It was jealousy.
As soon as I realised that, all the physical tension I’d been feeling melted away. My annoyance vanished, replaced by empathy. She hadn’t been trying to be difficult; she was just struggling with a big emotion she didn’t know how to handle yet. And the fact that she could name it? That was huge.
Uncovering the emotions that drive our behaviour is exactly what my approach is all about. But have you ever wondered why naming your feelings calms you down? It turns out, there’s some fascinating brain science behind it!
The alarm system and the coach
Let’s imagine for a second that there are two parts to our brain:
The Amygdala (The Survival Brain): This is your alarm system. It spots danger and screams, "Fight or flight!" It’s what makes your heart race when you’re stressed or angry.
The Prefrontal Cortex (The Thinking Brain): This is your coach. It handles decision-making, reasoning, and keeping your cool.
Here’s the catch: When one activates strongly, the other quiets down. When the amygdala goes into overdrive, the thinking brain basically shuts off. That’s why, when we’re overwhelmed, we often do or say things we regret—we are literally running on autopilot.
The Magic of Naming It
So, how do we get the thinking brain back online? Research shows the secret is surprisingly simple: Just name the feeling.
A 2007 study by psychologists at UCLA showed that when people looked at angry or fearful faces (triggering the amygdala), their brains went into panic mode. But the moment they named the emotion ("I feel afraid" or "This is anger"), something magical happened: the prefrontal cortex lit up, and the amygdala started to quiet down.
Matthew Lieberman, the lead researcher, put it perfectly:
"When you name the feeling, you reactivate the prefrontal cortex... In the same way you hit the brakes when you see a yellow light, putting feelings into words seems to hit the brakes on your emotional responses." [1]
From "Jumbled Mess" to Manageable
In another study from Nagoya University in Japan, researchers found that simply writing down or speaking an emotion aloud helps the brain categorise the distress. Instead of feeling like an overwhelming "jumble" of physical symptoms and confusion, the emotion becomes a specific, manageable thing. It doesn’t disappear, but suddenly, it feels like something we can handle. [2]
Why This Matters
In today's world, our alarms go off all the time: fear of failure, school stress, worry about exams, feeling judged, or even anxiety about the future. Once that amygdala floods, we end up with tantrums, panic attacks, sleep issues, or negative self-talk.
Most of the work I do with children, teens, and adults is about helping them pause long enough to ask: "What am I really feeling right now?"
Once they can name it—"I’m feeling rejected," "I’m feeling overwhelmed," "I’m feeling jealous"—their thinking brain kicks back in. The fog lifts. And once the fog lifts, finding solutions and making positive changes becomes so much easier.
I’m seeing such great results with my clients using this approach. And honestly? It’s making a beautiful difference at home too. Next time the frustration or overwhelm sets in, try asking yourself (or your child): "What’s the name of the feeling under all this?" You might be surprised at how quickly things calm down.
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